Wednesday, April 13, 2005
| Highs and Lows Last night I met up with my friends Kelly and Angie for some happy hour drinks in one of our favorite little watering holes in Union Square. The place is called Revival and it’s just about the best. There is a garden-type area in the back that allows smoking, so we found ourselves a comfortable spot and spent two hours catching up and remembering why we love each other and this city that we live in. I was so happy for those two hours. It was like this high that I didn’t want to end. I even said to the girls as we were leaving that “I would do anything to spend the whole night together, just us”. Around 8pm I took a cab home and my night became boring and uneventful after that. Eventually Paul got home and wasn’t too into my drunk personality, so we sat in silence for a while and then went to bed. Today I had my first therapy appointment with a new psychiatrist. I am happy with the woman that was assigned to me, but the first session (as it usually is) was kind of difficult and uncomfortable. I found that she had good answers to all of my questions and she definitely spoke to me with a non-judgmental, open-minded attitude. The only times I felt awkward was when both of us would sit there in silence, transitioning into a new topic. When the 45 minutes were up, I put on my jacket and walked back out into the city. For some reason, I felt so sad deep down. Most of the stuff my therapist and I spoke about revolved around Paul, but I wasn’t left with a feeling of satisfaction. Instead, I felt as though I had dredged up some painful memories and then had to reshelf them immediately in order to re-enter my daily routine. Therapy is not easy and while I’m proud of myself for taking this first step, I’m feeling a little bogged down by the overwhelming commitment of it. Now it’s almost 3pm and I have half of my day left. Part of me wants to get drunk tonight and mask the feelings of sadness that seem to have taken over, but part of me wants to ride this out and see if I can pull myself from the slump by my own volition. I just feel weird right now. Do I cry? Do I laugh? Do I have a personality at all? I want to feel normal. I want to stop beating myself up over the most inconsequential shit. As I discussed with my therapist today, I don’t need to feel happy every day. I just need to feel content. Why is it so easy for some people to accomplish this and so hard for others? I’m really working towards improving myself now and more than ever I need to experience the fruits of my labor. |
